If you have a sad story to share, post it here.
Here is mine:
It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Bruce Lee, woke up in a bush. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly relieved, Bruce Lee deflowered a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved frozen pizza was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bruce Lee had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little… annoying. Bruce Lee called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very nervous Bruce Lee. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks panic before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually charismatically turn red after mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bruce Lee. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bruce Lee? Because she had snuck out from Bruce Lee’s with the frozen pizza only five days prior. It was a saucy little frozen pizza… how could she resist?
It didn’t take long before Bruce Lee got back to the subject at hand: his frozen pizza. Leroy Jenkins sighed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they’d find the frozen pizza. Bruce Lee grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the frozen pizza and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Bruce Lee took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, she had take at least five minutes before Bruce Lee would get there. But if he took the Batmobile? Then Leroy Jenkins would be scarcely screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by two dimwitted maggots that were lured by her frozen pizza. Leroy Jenkins belched; ‘Not again’, she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aimlessly reached for her dull pencil and deftly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent–the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That’s when she heard the Batmobile rolling up. It was Bruce Lee.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Bruce Lee was out of the Batmobile and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the frozen pizza into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Leroy Jenkins was displeased but at least the frozen pizza was concealed. The doorbell rang.
‘Come in,’ Leroy Jenkins indiscriminately purred. With a heroic push, Bruce Lee opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying self-righteous ass in a wannabe go-fast Civic,’ he lied. ‘It’s fine,’ Leroy Jenkins assured him. Bruce Lee took a seat nearby where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the frozen pizza. Leroy Jenkins panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ she blurted. But Bruce Lee was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Leroy Jenkins noticed a clueless look on Bruce Lee’s face. Bruce Lee slowly opened his mouth to speak.
‘…What’s that smell?’
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Bruce Lee asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the frozen pizza right by her oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything…!’ A lie. A pestering look started to form on Bruce Lee’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma’s dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh…dropped ‘em by here earlier’. Bruce Lee nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bruce Lee thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The frozen pizza was plainly in view.
Bruce Lee stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must’ve been nine minutes. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Leroy Jenkins groped earnestly in Bruce Lee’s direction, clearly desperate. Bruce Lee grabbed the frozen pizza and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a flamboyant chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bruce Lee,’ she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little clueless, so Bruce Lee knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like… start chucking dull pencils at her or something. Happy as a frickin’ monkey, he gripped his frozen pizza tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Bruce Lee. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bruce Lee. ‘Oh. You …okay?’ Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bruce Lee was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Bruce Lee was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Leroy Jenkins’s place. Bruce Lee had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral maggots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the frozen pizza. One by one they latched on to Bruce Lee. Already weakened from his injury, Bruce Lee yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of maggots running off with his frozen pizza.
About four hours later, Bruce Lee awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Bruce Lee did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy imaginery desert, Bruce Lee was excessively lost. As if it really mattered he remembered that his frozen pizza was taken by the maggots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That’s when, to his horror, a enormous maggot emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha maggot. Bruce Lee opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the maggot sunk its teeth into Bruce Lee’s ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bruce Lee’s lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the frozen pizza. ‘MY PRECIOUS!!’ she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her ear. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bruce Lee… wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the frozen pizza that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn’s reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant maggots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would’ve lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :’(
like if u cry evry tim